Purpose

Imagine with me for a minute. You grew up with a family, sort of. Do they love you? That's questionable. Friends? Well, not much to brag about in that area of your life. Job? No. You used to work but cannot anymore because a sitting job is no longer an option due to health considerations and pain. A job on your feet is really not an option, again due to health issues. You are in a hospital. You might want to stay because the next step is a mental institution. You are plagued by both acute pain from your last surgery and chronic pain from every thing else. Can you enjoy the outdoors for a little spirit lift? Not really because of a few reasons that may or may not be ligitamate. Do you believe in a God? No. You gave up on Him a long time ago after having a wreck on the way to church. Purpose in life? Riding out the pain. Or, maybe not. Suicide sometimes sounds like the best option. You've tried before. You have a better plan to try again, but all of these little happy healthcare people say, "No, no! You might die! We can't let that happen or we have failed in our jobs! Don't you want to live?"

How young and naive I must appear to the eyes in that bed looking up at me! How far removed our realities are from each other! Can I give purpose? No. Can I impart health? No. Can I understand? No. Can I show that I care? Yes. Can I share Christ and the hope I have in Him? Yes. Will that make a difference?

Standing at the bedside, I think of several things. One is a quote by G.K. Chesterton: "How much larger your life would be if your self could become smaller in it; if you could really look at other men with common curiosity and pleasure." Then I remember great people who, in spite of the physical difficulties they faced, looked beyond themselves. Hellen Keller, Joni Erikson Tada, Fanny Crosby, and the list could go on and on. As long as you are concious and able to communicate, there is someone out there to reach out to...someone with like struggles, someone that wants to learn what you know, someone to benefit from your willingness to rise above the circumstances. That someone may even be your doctor, nurse, or social worker. As long as God imparts life, He has purpose. He wants to reach into your heart and fill it until it runs over and over and over into the lives around you!

Do I struggle with purpose? Yes! Even as recent as yesterday and today! Think about this.

What purpose would YOU have if:
1. You have no job.
2. You have no family support.
3. You have no friends to speak of.
4. You cannot do the things you always enjoyed.
5. You are in chronic pain with break through acute pain.

Do YOU have PURPOSE outside of these things? Did you live today as though you do?

Without the Way there is no going; without the Truth there is no knowing; without the Life there is no living. ~Thomas A Kempis

Happenings

Thunder. Lightening. A shower of rain. FRESH air. Even little storms like the one just now give me a thrill!

Going from orientation to working on my own was not exactly a thrill; it was more of a gradual transition from doing most things with another nurse to being mostly on my own. The last few days of work actually went quite well. Some days are extra busy, but somehow everything gets done, even if I do get behind on charting. Today was only day four, but I had four patients and two nursing students! Having nursing students can make some things busier, but it can also be helpful. I just loved working with them, teaching them, and letting them do the things as I explained them!!! When I was a student, I tried to notice what nurses were helpful and which ones were not, hoping that I would be the former. Both of the guys with me seemed very receptive to learning and doing. One of them is Ethiopian. At the end, he said, "Amy, 5 more days of working with you, and I be a nurse." That was all the reward I needed!

Do you ever not want to get up in the morning? Not knowing what kind of assignment I am going to get but being sure that it will include 8 solid hours of walking up and down halls, charting in a rush, communicating with lots of people, and advocating for my patients, I sometimes just don't want to go to work. However, once I get on the bus, I am ready to face the day. Here are some things others have told me that I am taking the liberty to share.

Micah and Rakel have a saying: "Morning feelings don't count."
Jenny says that when someone asked if everyone had gotten enough sleep, she replied, "Enough to get me started."

With the fresh smell just after a rain drifting through my open window, I'm going to call it a night and get some sleep!

Orientation Over!

Yesterday was my last day of orientation! That means I am on my own tomorrow. Hmmm...scary for me? No, I'm excited! For my patients? Maybe. On Wednesday, I had a dressing change to do and a nursing student who wanted to learn to do it. When we started, the patient informed the student that I was an expert! I figured no one needed to know just then that it was only about my third time to do that kind of dressing change!

The weather up here is crisp and cool; it feels like fall! There was a touch of frost on the cars Wednesday morning. Today, I notice that the tree outside the window is beginning to turn yellow. An occasional leaf hesitates, jerks, then soars to the grass. It is damp and drizzly--a perfect time to sit, contemplate, remember.

The leaves bring to mind Aleen, one of the nursing home residents that I loved the most. We first met when my family and I took some baby chicks and geese into the nursing home to show to the residents. Aleen's daughter informed us that her mother loved chickens, so we should show them to her. Later, since I worked there as a nursing assistant, we got to spend many special moments together, both when I was at work and when I was just visiting. One day, in her quivery voice, she quoted this poem to me by Oliver Wendell Holmes:

The Last Leaf

I saw him once before,

As he passed by the door,

And again

The pavement stones resound,

As he totters o'er the ground

With his cane.

They say that in his prime,

Ere the pruning-knife of Time

Cut him down,

Not a better man was found

By the Crier on his round

Through the town.

But now he walks the streets,

And he looks at all he meets

Sad and wan,

And he shakes his feeble head,

That it seems as if he said,

"They are gone!"

The mossy marbles rest

On the lips that he has prest

In their bloom,

And the names he loved to hear

Have been carved for many a year

On the tomb.

My grandmamma has said--

Poor old lady, she is dead

Long ago--

That he had a Roman nose,

And his cheek was like a rose

In the snow;

But now his nose is thin,

And it rests upon his chin

Like a staff,

And a crook is in his back,

And a melancholy crack

In his laugh.

I know it is a sin

For me to sit and grin

At him here;

But the old three-cornered hat,

And the breeches, and all that,

Are so queer!

And if I should live to be

The last leaf upon the tree

In the spring,

Let them smile, as I do now,

At the old forsaken bough

Where I cling.

She then continued to explain that she was the last leaf of her family on the tree. Her parents, siblings, and husband were all dead. I loved to sit with Aleen to listen to her poems and stories. I still get an ache and a tear when I think of her here. I remember how she got confused near the end. She thought she was living years ago, did not know the other nurses, and did not trust anyone to help her in her agitation. I went into her room prepared to be rejected, but she knew me by name, and she TRUSTED me.

I loved Aleen. I cared for every resident of the nursing home, but she and I had an understanding and an openess between us that I have shared with few others. I had hoped to take my computer to her room to write down her stories and biography during the January term of my sophomore year of college. The way she related her life, I could have written things exactly as she worded them. However, shortly before finals just a couple of weeks before I would have gone home, Aleen passed away. I always regretted that I missed her funeral. I still miss her, but through her, I had a glimpse into a heart made beautiful through weathering many storms and heartaches with perserverance and courage. I keep a folder of her poetry, which I treasure. I was so priviledged to share in her later years as she was the last leaf still clinging to life yet still willing to share her life with me.

Well, this post went nowhere in the direction I intended! I guess the rest will just have to wait...

When I Grow Up

Nearly every child thinks, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" For me, that question was easy; I wanted to be a nurse for years before I went to nursing school. Sure, I thought about other options along the way, but that was mostly to make other people happy. Deep down, I knew what I wanted. When I finished nursing school, I couldn't believe that I had actually almost achieved my dream. Passing the NCLEX was the final step to that goal. However, once a that goal was met, I started wondering what to do next? I am too used to working towards a goal that I don't know how to handle being there.

Now the question is: "What kind of nursing do I want to do?" I like my job on a surgical floor, but floor nursing in a hospital is not my long-term goal. How long should I work on this floor for experience? Should I transfer to another area in a year or two, go on for further schooling, or get a job elsewhere? Deadlines for graduate programs for next year are coming soon. I don't know what to do. Here are the main things I am considering for the next year or two:

1. EMT classes--I'm taking EMT-Basic now
2. Same floor--trauma/general surgery
3. Intensive care unit--learn a lot!
4. Operating room--good for foreign country work, lots of places want OR nurses
5. Float pool--float to various floors, learn a ton!
6. Emergency room
7. Family Nurse Practitioner--I like pathology
8. Emergency Nurse Practitioner--FNP plus the emergency part, which I think I would like
9. Red Cross, community nursing, or other disaster nursing organization
10. Nutrition
11. Travel nursing
12. Language training
13. Foreign country nursing/missions
14. Something other than nursing (park ranger, flight attendant...okay, maybe not)
15. Move closer to home:)
16. Move farther from home:(

With all of this, I keep asking myself, "What do I like? What do I want to do? What fits me?" Are those the right questions to be asking? Maybe it should be: "Lord, what do YOU want?" Today I came across something that I wrote down years ago from a sermon on a tape. It is an excerpt from a book called, Finding God's Will.

"When I stand at the judgment seat of Christ, and He shows me His plan for me--the plan of my life as it might have been. And I see how I checked Him here, how I stopped Him there, and I would not yield my will, will there be grief in my savior's eyes? Grief, though He loves me still.

I stand there, stripped of everything but His grace, and I bow my uncrowned head, and I look back over the past I cannot retrace now, it's gone forever. He would have be rich, but I stand there poor. Stripped of all but His grace, while memory runs like a hunted thing down the paths I cannot retrace.

Lord, of the years that are left of me, I give them to Thy hand. Take me, break me, use me, fulfill the pattern you have planned."

After reading that, it is clear that I am asking the wrong questions. People who live their lives working towards higher and higher goals often end up in emptiness and depression once the top goal possible is reached. There has to be something more than planning out the future of my life. What I do as far as the type of nursing/occupation is irrelevant. What is relevant is whether I live each moment with the Lord. That is what matters now; it is what matters at the judgment seat Christ. I have read, thought about, and even posted the two quotes below, but I do not live them.

"What we call the process, God calls the end. God's end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my life just now. If we have a further end in view, we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present: if we realize that obedience is the end, then each moment as it comes is precious." ~Oswald Chambers

"The lure of the distant and the difficult is deceptive. The great opportunity is where you are." ~John Burroughs

The Bicycle Story

It seems that most of you have heard something of the bicycle story, but here it is in its entirity. It happened shortly before I opened this blog, but who wants to start a site with something negative, when mostly things are positive?

I bought a wonderful, new bike on the 19th of August. Nearly a week later, I rode it 12-15 miles on the trails around Rochester and along the river. For part of that, I scouted out the route to work. The bike was so comfortable that I wasn't even sore from it. On the 27th, I rode to work for the first time. It only took about 20 minutes, and most of the route is along a river. With the cool breeze against my face, I was praising the Lord and thanking Him for such a great way to start the day. I parked at work in the bike rack at 6:45am. I locked the front and back wheels together with the frame using my new key lock cable. All day, I was secretly looking foward to the refreshing ride home.
The day was long and hard because I was learning so much at once. One of my patients had a daughter that was
very demanding--enough said. The other patients were just great. The nurse I reported off to that evening was floating from another floor, and she was literally trying not to cry over some miscommunications, so I ended up giving her report a little late, listening to her, and providing some reassurance. All
that said, I got off around 7:50pm. On the way down to the bike rack I was thinking, "Let the bike still be there, please. I hope it's there." Funny though it seems, I almost expected it to be gone. It was.

I looked, walked away, and looked again about three times before going back to the floor and telling our secretary and one of the
nurses. Then we called security. They have the bike rack on
constant video and had just seen my bike stolen at 7:10pm! They gave me a ride over to the security office where I got to see the
footage for myself. The thief rode up on his bike, parked beside
mine, locked his up, hopped on mine, and rode away. They had a good view of him and his face as he looked around to make sure no one was watching. He must have either had a key that worked on my cable or had bolt cutters, because he rode it away with no hassle. Security told me to file a report with the police and gave me a ride home.

Two officers came over to my apartment to get the report that evening. There goes my dream of riding my bike to work. The chances of recovering it are fairly slim. At least I got to see the footage of it being stolen, which provided good closure:)

Loneliness

Loneliness. It is something we all face at some time or another. It is something I am facing now to a degree. It may be accompanied by self-pity, sadness, dejection. Why do I and so many others experience this human emotion? Mother Teresa writes: "As far as I am concerned, the greatest suffering is to feel alone, unwanted, unloved. The greatest suffering is also having no one, forgetting what an intimate, truly human relationship is, not knowing what it means to be loved, not having family or friends. Loneliness is the world's biggest problem; more people die from loneliness than from cancer, heart disease, and all the plagues that kill people in the world."

I recently read a book called The Giver by Lois Lowry. Though written for children, this book provides insight on the necessity of experience and emotion. The community in the book functions smoothly, but people have little depth of emotion, positive or negative. They live their lives, do their work, and perhaps get approval to have a spouse and two children--one male and one female. Once the children are raised, they live in the home for those who are childless. Once they are no longer productive members of society, they move to the place for the old, where they are eventually "released." For the most part, people live peaceful lives. However, there is one person who experiences true emotions and feelings, including love, joy, pain, and suffering. This one person, the Receiver, provides wisdom for the community based on these experiences. When young Jonas is chosen as the new Receiver, he moves from a life with relatively little emotion to a life of intense feelings of pleasure, love, fear, and pain. He realizes that life is hardly worth living without them and thinks that everyone should feel them. However, these experiences, strong feelings and freedom carry great danger. What if a person makes a choice that is not good for them or others? What if there would be more war, fear, and pain? Jonas comes to the conclusion that it is worth the risk because there is no substance to life without true emotion and feelings.

Why then do I have to experience this feeling of loneliness? Being busy, as I have been for the last few years can take that feeling away, but it can also keep me from confronting the actual issue. Perhaps deep down, God gives this feeling of being alone to help me realize my need for Him. There is a void in my heart that cannot be filled by human relationships. During times of loneliness and always, there is a Friend who desires my heart. Another reason that God may give me times of loneliness is not to make me feel sorry for myself, but to help me understand how so many others in this world are feeling. What about some of my patients who lie in bed for hours every day with no family? Nurses, doctor, physical therapists, and chaplains go in and out all day long for weeks on end, but every time it seems like there is a new face. They may care, but they do not provide lasting friendship. Or, think of children abandoned physically or emotionally curling up in rags to sleep. Consider some of our elders who spend hours each day alone in a nursing home. In a world concerned with overpopulation, how is it that we have so much hurt and loneliness?

Loneliness is just one of the ranges of emotions that we feel. It can help create understanding for others that are going through it. Like the book The Giver points out, in order to feel true pleasure in this life, there will also be pain. Could it be that it is impossible to fully enjoy relationships without being acquainted with loneliness? Would I feel my need for God without that desire for companionship? Surely God does not allow the feeling of loneliness to drive us into self-pity and despair, but to draw us into His arms and to cause us to reach out to each other.

Quotes Site

Check out my new site of quotes under links! Suggestions welcome!

Nursing

The Joys and Challenges of Nursing

I love being a nurse--some days. In some ways, I never dreamed of all of the responsibilities of a nurse, but I have to take them as they come. I love working with patients, but sometimes, I just do not want to confront another patient or family member. Being tough is just not my forte, but some of my patients are tough, rough speaking drug seekers. Some of the biggest challenges I face are organizing my day while being interrupted with the unexpected on every turn, completing most of the necessary tasks AND getting them documented. Identifying critical changes and knowing what to do next. Being the avenue of communication for all of the teams involved in a patients care and the patient and family. Treating patients as individuals withour spending too much time just talking. Being competent in my skills while focusing on the most important part of nursing: helping patients and families find purpose, make goals, and be motivated to plow through some of the most difficult situations they have ever encountered.

I like the challenge, but it IS a challenge. Some days, I feel like my job is trying to hold everything together on a planet that just lost the law of gravity. Whether a day is a "good" day or a "bad" day, however, does not depend on if everything runs smoothly and is nicely documented on time, but how many special moments I get with patients or their families. The joy of my job may be encouraging a patient and seeing a difference, stopping to recognize someone as human and being recognized in return, sharing a moment that only you can share. Nursing is caring for others, but when someone returns the care or appreciation, it sometimes pleasantly catches me off guard. For example, when I am on the morning shift, I like to find out how my patients slept. One day, someone returned the question! The fact that someone cared about how I slept the night before was special.

Joys and challenges are not unique to nursing. We all have different responsibilities and experiences, but I think the things that make it all worth it are very much the same. Remember to look for the special moments, and give them out liberally as well. Another tip, give the day to God at the very beginning. Oh, and be thankful. Working on a trauma/general surgery floor, I am still surprised at some of the things that can happen to people! Some of my patients in the worst circumstances and pain are still pleasant and thankful--such an inspiration!

Nature

In highschool, I spent hours taking walks, observing nature, and taking pictures. Music, poetry, art, beauty--all of these stir something deep within that logic and learning cannot touch. During my four years of college, I concentrated more on the logical side of things in order to perform well. There was always some level of stress because there were always things I needed to do. For the most part, I felt that I had to suppress creativety in order to get things accomplished. There is gratification in reasoning and learning, but I did not allow myself to balance it with art. Especially during this past year, I have looked forward to spending more time reading inspirational books and experiencing nature without as many time limitations. As I always tell myself, God did not make the indoors, He made the outdoors! What better place is there than His creation to spend time with Him and listen to Him speak?

As I have been here in Rochester, one of the things I have enjoyed the most the gorgeous contryside, the trails, and parks. I love to go jogging and walking, taking a new path through the neighborhood or walking a trail. Today, I took many photos of flowers, trees, meadows, and butterflies. Though being attacked by mosquitoes the whole time, I felt like a part of me came to life again that had been dormant for a few years!

Part of me feels guilty to be able to live comfortably in such a lovely area while others across the world are in war, famine, or poverty. At the same time, I know I am where the Lord has placed me for this moment. God has blessed me so much, but I thank Him with the realization that any part of it could be gone in a moment. I have asked God, "How can I best thank you?" I think the best way to thank Him is to enjoy what He has given me with the realization that it is not mine to keep. His gifts are not meant to be hoarded, but appreciated and shared.


Today I signed up to be a Red Cross volunteer! Eventually, I should be able to take the classes for disaster nurse training.

Dewdrop

Finally, I have a blog site! So many things have happened in the last few months that I have wanted to write and share, but this first post will be brief. Above is a photo of Mayo from a nature trail I hiked this morning. Practically all of the tall buildings in Rochester are associated with Mayo. This area is gorgeous with rivers, trees, hills, farm land, and barns. There are miles of bicycle and hiking trails within city limits, not to mention those in the surrounding areas. I feel as though I am on vacation!

SIGNATURE

Everywhere I find the signature, the autograph of God, and he will never deny His own handwriting. God hath set His tabernacle in the dewdrop as surely as in the sun. No man can any more create the smallest flower than he could create the greatest world.

Joseph Parker