Recent Events

The last few weeks in words and pictures:)

My computer died, so I didn't have must of an opportunity for blogging. After my short trip home over Christmas, I got a Toshiba. Last night I stayed up late after work to get the internet working. So, here are some photos from the time at home!Austin got a picture of his own, because he didn't make it into the one above.

Miss Angela was popular!

Daddy and Austin looking at birds.

Fun with Austin and Thomas. No, Austin wasn't getting a paddlin', he was just reaching for the one that fell on the floor!

The grassy hills looked to me like sand dunes against the blue sky. The stillness felt like the world was holding it's breath.

Anna against the sunset.

Rochester Family Portrait

Here are some of the people that I hang out with the most! Bottom row L-R, Sarah, Sarah, Kate. Back row, Amy, Maurita. I love these girls! This picture is from my birthday party/Kate's going away party. It was the best time ever as we ate Mexican food, had gingerbread and tea, and sat around the fireplace talking. I still need to get a picture of my roommates to share.

I keep meaning to post some other deep thoughts on pain or something, but I've been bad at this whole blogging thing. You all had some good responses to that post. It seems that I've just been busy with this and that, from work to social gatherings. Today, I played flute with some girls for a song. Then, this evening, I went over to the McGregor's for high tea. We had a little talent show, and I think I laughed 'til my stomach hurt. This week will be very busy, then I'm going home on Saturday for a few days!

Love without Fear

The last few days, it seems that I have had a hard time caring about my patients. Part of it, I think, is that I need to stop talking about how difficult they are, because it only contributes to a bad attitude on my part. On Wednesday, I just got very frustrated with myself. Two of my patients were very particular, time consuming, anxious, and both wanted to do things a lot later than schedule. I find sometimes that I am very much of a perfectionist. If I can't do things right and on schedule I can get very frustrated. I hate having to pass things off to the next nurse, and if I can't get it all neatly done, I feel inadequate. I also feel inadequate when I have to rely on the others for help. One of the other nurses was able to spend the time to give the emotional support that one of my patients needed. Somehow, I couldn't supply that, perhaps because I needed some myself. Sometimes it's just so hard to receive from other people because then I feel indebted and have to acknowledge my own inadequacy. Sometimes, it's just hard to be honest with myself. Yesterday, the charge nurse gave me a completely different assignment, since I felt like crying all day the day before. It was a much better day, but I still felt a lack of compassion for what my patients were going through.

Yesterday I cleaned, cooked, had company, took a long walk, talked with my friend Anna, and went to a L'Abri lecture. During the lecture, I was completely overwhelmed by my own selfishness. I care about many people, but most of that is motivated by my own needs. A true friend genuinely cares about the well being of another. That's why many people find that their "friends" disappear when they face a hardship. Then, some of us have the problem of caring about others, and then being completely surprised and incredulous when we realize that someone else actually cares about us! I saw this yesterday when I had a nice visit with someone. "Thanks for the visit. I really enjoyed it," I said in parting. "You really enjoyed it?" He was surprised, couldn't believe I meant it. Yes, I actually enjoyed the visit with you.

Realizing I needed a change of attitude in dealing with my patients and others, I read through several of my past blogs today. Many of the ones that are about patients are a bit vague in effort to maintain confidentiality on the Internet, but boy oh boy, I laughed and cried as I remembered many of those specific patient incidents! I just need to get my perspective back.

Yesterday, I had the privilege of talking with a man who is going through cancer treatments. He was trying to tell how his life is being changed by what is happening, but he doesn't really know how or how to explain what he does know. Some of the things that are happening in his heart, the concern he can have for another person, or the concern that he can share with someone is unexplainable. Sometimes the lack of words but strength of love that can pass between two individuals is hard to explain, particularly when it is between two people grappling with eternity. I was hearing from a friend a couple of days ago about how God led her to tell a stranger that she was praying for her. Then we were thinking about other instances when people do something uncharacteristic and unguarded to care for someone else. Then we asked simultaneously: "Why is is so hard?" Why does it take going through cancer treatments for one man to hug another man in true compassion without thinking of what others will think? There is a line in a song that Over the Rhine sings that stuck with me the other day:

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear.

Pain

According to Mayo Clinic, this is a myth: Pain is good for you. It builds strength and character.
What do you think?

It's Time to Dance

This just made my day!

Click on the D in dancing below
D ancing

Thanks for sending this to me, Elaine!

Oh, the last couple of days held plenty of opportunities to make the most of situations. Yesterday morning I enjoyed a cup of tea with Leah as we watched the snow fall. Then I went to work early to catch Sarah on her lunch break, during which we bought tickets to India...yeah, more details to come. Then, it iced, so Sarah walked home with me and spent the night here. Considering ourselves iced in, we made pancakes for brunch. At one point, I fell down the stairs to my room, and there wasn't even any ice on them! I left for work early to go help Sarah dig her car out. It took a lot of scraping, but we got her on her way. My evening was made up of giving oxycodone (a narcotic pain medication), doing dressing changes, giving oxycodone, emptying drains, giving oxycodone, flushing drains, giving oxycodone... One of my patients gets between 400-500mg of oxycodone each day, and she weighs less than 100 pounds. Most patients with severe post-operative pain get between 30-60mg each day. In other words, most of us would die given the doses she has developed tolerance to. I had fun with the patients and nurses today, and I walked home on the ice without falling. Now for a night of sleep and two days off...

God Grew Tired of Us: The Story of Lost Boys of Sudan

This evening I watched "God Grew Tired of Us: The Story of Lost Boys of Sudan" at L'Abri. It is a well done documentary on the Lost Boys, their struggles for survival in refugee camps and in the United States. After watching it, I felt like weeping for Africa, just weeping, as though my tears might heal the wounds of the suffering across the world.

The discussion afterwards was inspiring. Obang, an Ethipian refugee, and Ruth, from Somalia, along with others, shared about their own experiences, the current plight of those still in Africa and those within our midst here.

Rent this film. Buy it. Watch it. Cry over it. Think about it. Do something about it. Don't watch it alone. Share it with friends. Discuss it. Be changed.

Learning to Live

I'm trying to learn how to live. I'm trying to learn to plan for the future but live in the moment, to take things seriously, yet lightly. I'm trying to learn how to love and be loved. I'm trying to learn how to work and play and make each moment special. I'm trying to learn to feel and to think. I'm trying to learn to be broken without falling apart. I'm trying to understand what I can while accepting mystery. I'm trying to learn how to see, listen, laugh, cry, give, receive. I'm trying to learn how to love God. I'm trying to learn to be ever desiring without greed, to strive for what is good and beautiful but accept that which is flawed. I'm trying to learn how to be mature yet childlike. I'm trying to learn how to live fully and die to myself. I'm trying to learn this a little at a time without being too overwhelmed.

I'm trying to learn the art of a life well lived. I'm trying to learn more than I can learn by myself.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. Romans 8:26

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:15-16

A Lady

I just drove a lady to dialysis. It was a five minute drive, during which time I learned a lot about her. She lived in Anchorage, Alaska, for 37 years working with the FBI. When she found out that I am a nurse, she turned and shook my hand as I drove with the introduction, "I'm a doctor." When asked what kind of doctor, she hesitated before saying that she is a psycholigist, MD. She also translates 27 dialects of Chinese as well as some Japanese. Oh, and she sings solos at Mayo, classical. In fact, she sang at Elvis Presley's wedding (probably not classical:). Her most notable achievement? Making up stories. I wonder what's true.

Loving People, Living Art

"Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical." ~Sophia Loren

Lately, as I have been working, looking through photos and quotes, and trying to decorate my room, I have been enthralled with art, beauty, creativity. Some days I think I would like to do photography full time, then I think perhaps I could do it on the side, then I realize it might be most effective and rewarding when done in conjunction with caring for people. I don't know. I just know I want to pursue it more in some way. Perhaps you have some advice?

Here are some quotes from people wiser than myself along with thoughts from my own life...

"I feel there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people." ~Vincent van Gogh

Loving people and being loved is truly an art. In college, we talked about nursing as an art. That's because it is about caring for people. Every person is different, and you have the challenge of trying to connect with them in seconds, minutes, hours and convince them that you care and can be trusted. With each new patient, you begin afresh. Such was my experience with a 90-year-old mostly blind lady the last two days. So many people go in and out of the room and care for her, but she can't recognize them. She could come across a bit rude or abrupt at moments, but deep down, there was a heart that was living, throbbing, tender, yet a bit scared. If you were to ask me what the best part of my day was yesterday, I would reply that it was giving this lady a shower.

While in the shower, I learned about her past, her family, her loves, and her fears. Since she is blind, showing her a beautiful photograph wouldn't mean anything. Instead, I mentioned a couple of my favorite quotes...by Helen Keller. To my surprise, she joined me in quoting this: "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart." That was a golden moment. As I washed her hair, I told her what a lovely white it was. She shared that when she was a girl, she knew a lady with the most beautiful white hair and hoped that hers would some day be like that. Well, when she was 21 her hair began to show some grey. She dyed it for a few years, but now has the purest white hair. To me, when someone shares something deep within the heart or memory, I catch my breath. I was trusted enough to get a glimpse into the deep places of the heart, the places where the only things are that really matter.

"Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose." ~Kevin Arnold

The second best part of the day? Thanks for asking. Perhaps it was threatening one of the doctors with a walker:) Or maybe it was walking out into the scattered snowflakes, or talking with my nurse orientee over lunch, or gazing at a sleeping, newborn baby, or watching little children in their element at a harvest party, or snuggling into a bed of flannel sheets for the first time this fall.

"To me, every hour of the day and night is an unspeakably perfect miracle." ~Walt Whitman

My 90-year-old friend was hallucinating about gremlins, goblins, and witches yesterday. I wondered what I would hallucinate about if I were hallucinating. Thankfully, instead, I had a wonderful dream last night!

"I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy." ~Rabindranath Tagore

"Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed." ~Storm Jameson

"It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel." ~Unknown

"Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." Howard Thurman

I hope you are enjoying daily moments of the love and beauty that God has placed all around you and living, truly living in gratitude.

Joy and Sorrow

I've been thinking...

There is a kind of joy in sorrow.

Think of the times that you laugh until you cry, or when something is so good it hurts. Life is good, but it pulls at your heart strings. Loving someone makes your heart leap for joy. It also causes it to ache. In the aching, there is the satisfaction of having loved. The depth of the feeling of separation or loss is painful, but there is joy in having the capacity to love...and to hurt. When you lose someone, you will hurt, deeply. But with the hurt, remember you have loved and been loved. When you love, there is the joy of knowing you will hurt, and when you hurt, there is the joy of knowing you love.

There is poetry in depth of emotion. I am thankful that I can feel, that I am not numb to pleaure and pain.
There is tension between good and evil, hope and despair, pleasure and suffering, love and hate, joy and sorrow. Life is not easy. There is heartache, struggle, tears. But there is a pathway of joy.

But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day. Proverbs 4:18
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfector of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2






Brother Caleb and I














Cousin Cara and I

_____________________________________________________

To those I am missing now, I love you.

_____________________________________________________

Colorado

My favorite picture from the Colorado trip. As I was propping my camera on rocks for a tripod, an elk call echoed across the valley. This bull elk with a huge rack came sauntering towards the stream for a drink.

When I get around to it, I'll share a few more moments from the trip.

NPO Diets

This evening I had a patient who is mentally slow, gifted in drawing, and wonderful to care for. He is planning to go to Texas next summer, and here is his list for the trip:

Sears Store

1. Umbrella

2. Cowboy hat

3. Number shirt

4. T-top with pictures

5. Leather gloves for a cowboy

He explained his routine of an evening snack of something like pudding or a number of other things. When I told him that he still couldn't have anything to eat, he wrote on his hand "NPO diets" and looked at me saddly for confirmation. It's a lovely diet: nothing by mouth, and I get to enforce it.

What a Night!

I'm super stimulated from my evening at work! A few of you have probably never seen me in this condition, but believe me, I can get pretty hyper at times. First of all, I have discovered that I LOVE teaching! As a nurse, I get ample opportunity for that. On my first day off orientation, I had two nursing students following me. Last summer, I got to have a summer nursing intern with me for awhile. Now that I have over a year of experience, I have been able to orient several RN orientees for at least a day at a time. On Monday evening and again this evening, I was with the same RN orientee. She and I got far more than we bargained for.

She is great and will be a wonderful nurse, but she needs more confidence. Also, there are so many important things that have somehow been missed with her, so I was constantly explained everything to her. And finally, we had quite a patient today!!! At the end of the day, which was at about 0130, we figured that about 75% of our time was spent IN her room, much less getting supplies together, figuring out orders, charting, and taking care of our other two patients. And when we weren't in her room, guess what? Her call light was on.

What was it with this patient? She had been assigned her own nurse for a while today because a medicine had made her confused. She has tubes and drains of every shape, size, and function. To that, add bleeding around those tubes and drains. To that, add IV nutrition, pain meds enough to kill a horse, meds every hour at least, wacky blood sugars, and yes, receiving blood products. Oh, and ANXIETY! Did I add the weird swelling that was a major concern? Oh, and she was paranoid! In fact, she had the blood transfusion nurse show her all of his badges and ID's. They looked like they were for a Mayo employee, but it was concerning that one of them had no writing on the back. Okay, so looking back over it all, we should have put her back on an individual assignment. What was I thinking. She wasn't pulling at tubes, really confused, or otherwise a danger to self or others though.

It was quite a learning experience for my orientee though! I tried to convince her that anything will seem easy after this. All of the intense work, assessment, and communication with the doctors and other people involved in the care was so much fun!!! Maybe that is why I am moving to the ICU.

To throw in some variety, another nurse covered for us from around 2120 until 2150 so we could go eat a bite. The nursing students were all waiting in the conference room for their clinical instructor. It was their last clinical, and they were wondering when they could start their post conference. Finally, just for fun, I said, "Okay guys, let's start post conference. Did anything interesting happen today?" (As I write this, I am laughing out of control. It must be late at night.) One student's patient nearly quit breathing. We were well into post-conference when the instructor came in:) Maybe it's a good thing we know each other! It would be a blast to be a clinical instructor. Maybe I'll get to do that sometime.

Back to the floor, we were busy finishing things up, talking to the doctor, and charting until 0130. That's two hours later than we should have been finishing. On a side note, I didn't even go to the bathroom from 1400 until 0045. Just forgot.

Anyway, I brought my pathophysiology books back from home, so I need to develop a strategy for studying more so I can care for my patients and teach others better. Life is great! Now that it's 0240, maybe I should think about heading to bed, getting up, doing laundry, packing, working, sleeping, and flying to Colorado to visit my wonderful, big brother, Caleb!!!

A Few Things

The last few days...

Aunt Nancy and Uncle Vlad were passing through Rochester, so we spent a few hours a couple of times eating lunch and visiting:)

My friend, Bev, and I took a drive to the Lanesboro area and the places where she was born and raised. You know those roads that beckon to be explored? Those are the types of little back roads that we traveled. She hadn't been back to see that area for years, and I think it made her month!

I interviewed for a job on the ICU (intensive care unit) float staff and got it! I won't start until February 6th, but I think it's worth the wait. I'll get 5-6 months of classroom and on the job training for eight ICU's here at Mayo. The only ones I cannot work in will be the pediatric and neonatal ICU's. Once trained, my job will be to work in whichever ICU needs me that day. Some days I will cover the resource nurse pager for the hospital. All of this sounds so exciting to me, but once my training is over, I will have a one year committment. That means that I will probably be here at least until July or August of 2009.

Right now, I am sitting in a patient's room listening to him snore...

Milo Harvest

Well, here are the pictures of milo harvest.
Daddy in the combine.

Though not this time, our grain often goes to the Gruver elevators, Sunray Coop.

Mama's driving in the combine, and I'm goofing off while waiting...

Here's proof I was there! I got to drive the combine and graincart as well as ride with Daniel in the truck.

Colorful milo in various stages of maturity.
Daniel and Daddy tarping the truck.
Daniel unloading the truck at Texas Farm, the hog feed company that Daddy was selling it to.
The first day, we only harvested a little before deciding that it was too green. The next time we harvested... ...we were rained out.

Well, for a little Amy update:

Last weekend, I went down to Ben and Tandalee's. We spent most of Saturday at Aunt Nancy and Uncle Vlad's lovely new house while eating Aunt Nancy's excellent cooking! Today, Aunt Nancy and Uncle Vlad stopped by for a few hours on their way to Minneapolis. We enjoyed the 80+ October weather by eating outside and walking around some.

As many of you know, I love playing Ultimate Frisbee. It has been harder to do that after college, but recently I started playing with an informal group. Through that, I learned about another group that I played with today. Let me tell you, these folks are serious! There weren't too many people there, so it was 5 on 5, which equals lots of running. The girl I was guarding runs faster than I do:) Though they were intense, they said I "have potential" and taught me the official rules and gave me tips along the way. I plan to play with them when possible, which means I need to get in better condition.

Trip Home Part I

Here are a few pictures from the first few days at home.

We moved cattle the morning after I arrived. It was a crisp morning, the cattle behaved, and he had a little extra fun afterwards!
The cattle were trained to follow a pick-up with feed, so Daddy led the way.
The cowboy and girls:






Milo harvest pictures on the way...