The last few days, it seems that I have had a hard time caring about my patients. Part of it, I think, is that I need to stop talking about how difficult they are, because it only contributes to a bad attitude on my part. On Wednesday, I just got very frustrated with myself. Two of my patients were very particular, time consuming, anxious, and both wanted to do things a lot later than schedule. I find sometimes that I am very much of a perfectionist. If I can't do things right and on schedule I can get very frustrated. I hate having to pass things off to the next nurse, and if I can't get it all neatly done, I feel inadequate. I also feel inadequate when I have to rely on the others for help. One of the other nurses was able to spend the time to give the emotional support that one of my patients needed. Somehow, I couldn't supply that, perhaps because I needed some myself. Sometimes it's just so hard to receive from other people because then I feel indebted and have to acknowledge my own
inadequacy. Sometimes, it's just hard to be honest with myself. Yesterday, the charge nurse gave me a completely different assignment, since I felt like crying all day the day before. It was a much better day, but I still felt a lack of compassion for what my patients were going through.
Yesterday I cleaned, cooked, had company, took a long walk, talked with my friend Anna, and went to a
L'Abri lecture. During the lecture, I was completely overwhelmed by my own selfishness. I care about many people, but most of that is motivated by my own needs. A true friend genuinely cares about the well being of another. That's why many people find that their "friends" disappear when they face a hardship. Then, some of us have the problem of caring about others, and then being completely surprised and incredulous when we realize that someone else actually cares about us! I saw this yesterday when I had a nice visit with someone. "Thanks for the visit. I really enjoyed it," I said in parting. "You really enjoyed it?" He was surprised, couldn't believe I meant it. Yes, I actually
enjoyed the visit with
you.Realizing I needed a change of attitude in dealing with my patients and others, I read through several of my past blogs today. Many of the ones that are about patients are a bit vague in effort to maintain confidentiality on the
Internet, but boy oh boy, I laughed and cried as I remembered many of those specific patient incidents! I just need to get my perspective back.
Yesterday, I had the
privilege of talking with a man who is going through cancer treatments. He was trying to tell how his life is being changed by what is happening, but he doesn't really know how or how to explain what he does know. Some of the things that are happening in his heart, the concern he can have for another person, or the concern that he can share with someone is unexplainable. Sometimes the lack of words but strength of love that can pass between two individuals is hard to explain,
particularly when it is between two people grappling with eternity. I was hearing from a friend a couple of days ago about how God led her to tell a stranger that she was praying for her. Then we were thinking about other instances when people do something uncharacteristic and unguarded to care for someone else. Then we asked simultaneously: "Why is is so hard?" Why does it take going through cancer treatments for one man to hug another man in true compassion without thinking of what others will think? There is a line in a song that Over the Rhine sings that stuck with me the other day:
I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to
love without fear.
Austin got a picture of his own, because he didn't make it into the one above.
The grassy hills looked to me like sand dunes against the blue sky. The stillness felt like the world was holding it's breath.
