Travels and Finding Purpose in Suffering

Last weekend, Thursday through Monday, I was in the air and on the road visiting my older brother, Micah, in Washington DC and driving with him and his friend, Matthew, down to Tennessee for the wedding of a friend. It was a great time of renewing old friendships and making new ones. I took a bunch of pictures, but they were for matron of honor on her camera:)
Micah took some time out just for his sister after we got back to DC, which meant a lot. After walking around the capital on Monday morning in the cold and wind, I arrived back in Rochester to calm, gorgeously beautiful 70+ degree weather, yet feeling rather tired and emotional.

The trip allowed extra time for reading, so I just finished Philip Yancey's book, Where is God When it Hurts. In this excellently crafted book, Yancey explores several aspects of pain and suffering, from the physiological purpose of pain, to ways in which people respond to suffering, how we can respond to those hurting, and how God participated in our suffering through Christ. While he touches on the philosophical, I appreciate the practical approach and application that he uses in presenting this difficult but extremely relevant topic. The things he says lend meaning my personal experiences and those that I observe daily in my patients. Rather than attempting a complete book review, I'm going to share some of the thoughts and quotes that made an impression on me.

Okay, I guess I'm still emotional, because I am crying right now about one patient in particular. She's been in the hospital for nearly 4 months now, and the final outcome of her health is still uncertain. She struggles with depression and motivation after so long, yet she is an example of how one can allow the Lord to transform pain to teach and strengthen us and turn us toward Him. A few weeks ago, she was quite emotional, and I offered to pray for her, so we just paused to lay everything before the Lord. Yesterday was a bit tough because she was waiting for another surgery. As I was about to leave, she asked me if I would do something for her, then she asked me to pray for her. That was such a special time to again go before the Lord with tears and faith in His love. I don't know the why behind her hurt, and I don't know if she will recover, but I do know that she is allowing something beautiful to come of her pain.

Suffering has the power to draw a family together in ways not otherwise possible. It has the power to change both the sufferer and those close to him/her. Yet the power lies not in the pain, but in the response to it, for it also causes people to turn bitter. It causes many to wonder how a loving God can allow evil. I don't know the answer to that question, but as we are not exempt, neither was Christ.

"On the cross, God himself obsorbed the aweful pain of this world...God did not give us words or theories on the problem of pain. He gave us himself. A philosophy may explain difficult things, but has no power to change them. The gospel, the story of Jesus' life, promises change." ~Yancey

Just to know that Christ was tempted and tried in all ways as a human like me is such a comfort, because I know I am not alone and that He understands.

It's interesting to look at pain philosophically, but I think it is an issue that must be looked at personally as well. Why do we have to get old and go through the be dependent on others? Having worked in a nursing home and with hospice, I have thought about that a lot. Some people seem to become more beautiful through it, but others, such as those who no longer have mental capacities, are unable to grow through it. In those cases, I think the lesson is primarily for those who must care for them. One of the most lovely ladies I know spent 26 years of her life caring for her husband after he had a stroke. He could only speak about 5 words for those 26 years, yet this lady gave so much of her life for him, and that is probably a part of what makes her the sensative, caring friend that she is now, ministering to the lonely and needy in her community.

"I think God has planned the strength and beauty of youth to be physical. But the stength and beauty of age is spiritual. We gradually lose the stength and beauty that is temporary so we'll be sure to concentrate on the strength and beauty which is forever. It makes us more eager to leave behind the temporary, deteriorating part of us and be truly homesick for our eternal home. If we stayed young and strong and beautiful, we never want to leave!" ~J. Robertson McQuilkin

"The Bible consistently changes the questions we bring to the problem of pain. It rarely, or ambiguously, answers the backward-looking question 'Why?' Instead, it raises the very different, forward-looking question, 'To what end?' We are not put on earth merely to satisfy our desires, to pursue life, liberty, and happiness. We are here to be changed, to be made more like God in order to prepare us for a lifetime with him. And that process may be served by the mysterious pattern of all creation: pleasure sometimes emerges against a background of pain, evil may be transformed into good, and suffering may produce something of value." ~Yancey

"The value lies not in the pain itself, but in what we can make of it." ~Yancey

"A wise sufferer will not look inward, but outward." ~Yancey

Often people don't do anything for those who are suffering physically, emotionally, or spiritually because they don't know what to do or say. Sometimes it is awkward. There aren't always words to say. The sufferer is not always appreciative of our efforts. But guess what, it is okay to not know what to do but try to be there anyway. It may make you vulnerable as you expose your lack of know how, but the sufferer is feeling very vulnerable, and to see that in someone else sometimes does him/her good as well.

"In fact, the answer to the question, 'How do I help those who hurt?' is exactly the same as the answer to the question, 'How do I love?'" ~Yancey

"I believe we in the body of Christ are called to show love when God seems not to...In moments of extreme suffering or grief, very often God's love is best perceived through the flesh of ordinary people like you and me. In such a way we can indeed function as the body of Jesus Christ." ~Yancey

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

James 1:2-4, I Peter 2:20-21, I Peter 4:12-13, Philippians 3:7-10, Romans 8, Hebrews 5:7-9

Tentative Plans

Yesterday I had a talk with my manager. I hated to tell her that I am planning to leave, but I knew I could not put it off any longer. She was extremely gracious, as I knew she would be. I was able to tell her the things I wanted to about how I have enjoyed working with her and the staff on the floor and my reasons for leaving. She told me that I have contributed a lot to Joseph 2B (my unit), that I should use her for a reference, and that she would give me raving reviews. Then she gave me a hug. I told her about my plans and goals. After that, I had such a load off my shoulders and felt so free! Some of you already know what I've been brainstorming about, but here are my tentative plans from now until January in a nutshell.

Mama, Daddy, Anna, and Angela are planning to come visit at the end of this month. We hope to travel up north to Voyager National Park and see things along the way as well, like the headwaters of the Mississippi and the lake country that Minnesota is so well known for. It will be cold up there, and one of my friends that worked at the national park for four summers said there may still be some ice fishing going on up there. I guess we'll brave it.

I have some more vacation time in late May. I may drive home seeing some people along the way and taking a car load of things.

In June, July, and the first week of August I will be working with a nursing student for the same internship that I did here two summers ago (has it really been that long!). We have already communicated via email, and I am very excited to meet her!

My official stop date at work will probably be around mid August. This has been in my head since November, but I didn't want to make it too widely known until things were more final. I want to be near home for awhile again, whether it is only a year or more. I feel that I need to spend some more time with my sisters, parents, grandparents, and anyone else who would like to frequent the area. I've debated at length on what area of nursing I would like to apply for, and my plan now is to apply for a job in Amarillo in an emergency department. If that doesn't work out, I'll have to make a plan B.

However, I have the usual itch to travel. I'm checking into the possibility of going to Peru or some place in Latin America to study Spanish and volunteer for September through November. That would help me become much closer to being bilingual and should help so much at an ER in Texas. At the same time, I think it would be amazing to get to take a break from routine nursing to explore international possibilities and just get to enjoy the culture, people, and environment of that area. One of the schools has a one month study/volunteer opportunity in Manu National Park http://www.manu-national-park.info/, which sounds amazing to me! Then there are the famous Inca ruins of Machu Picchu http://www.flickr.com/search/?q=Machu%20Picchu&m=tags&s=int to visit, along with the possibility of hiking the Inca trail. There are multiple language schools in Cusco and other cities and villages where I might study a few hours a day and find volunteer work from orphanages to hospitals to homes for street kids to English tutoring.

After that, perhaps I will enjoy December and the holidays with my family before starting work in January. Sound like a plan? Obviously, there are multiple details to work out, and I know that God has a way of changing and molding my plans, so we will see what happens. For now, I am excited about making the most of my summer here while trying to make plans and remain flexible about the future.

Alive

On the way home from work a little bit ago, I was thinking about how I do not like to shop because, to me, shopping is not living. Shopping is like an activity of daily living; it's something to complete so you can live. Then I thought, "What do I consider living?" Spending quality time with people, reading, learning, thinking, spending time outdoors, and learning about God and life through the process. Philipians 1:21 has been on my heart this year: "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain."

Today was slow at work, so that left more time to linger in patients' rooms. One charming little lady said that people ask her how she is, and she says, "Fine." They don't understand how she can be fine when she's is not fine. "But," she continued, "nobody wants to listen to me complain." I instinctively turned towards the door, wishing certain other people had heard those words of truth. "I guess you are fine," I replied, "if you are fine in your heart." She agreed and added, "I have had a good life." "And you will have," I finished, "you still have life ahead of you." She added that she does have good quality of life.

Later, I was helping someone else's patient who said out of the blue that his sons don't care a bit for him. Come to find out, no one does.

"Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. But it's the same world. How come?" –Dr. Wayne Dyer

Friends, make sure that you are not going through the motions, but that you are LIVING! Today one of our secretaries told me of a patient diagnosis and told me to live today because tomorrow we die. You know, I completely agree, though our definitions of "living" may differ. Well, today I am living!

Speaking of living, I have some real living planned for the next several months too!!! For the sake of time and to keep you waiting, here's just the first thing. On Thursday, I am flying to Washington DC to visit Micah and go to a wedding with him!!! The rest of the developments and plans will just have to wait for a post of their own...

Fresh Morning

Temperature: 15
Feels like: -1
Refreshing?

Late Night Ramblings

I like nursing. No, I LOVE it!!! I thought you would want to know:)

Maybe I should share that I am about to bounce off the walls right now too. Don't ask me why; I don't know. I feel like I could stay up all night like I did a couple of nights ago when I worked a double shift (3pm to 8am). Maybe it's because I've been going strong for hours and just haven't stopped. Some days, like today, a call light went off every time I sat down to document, so I had to stay way late doing computer charting. However, my satisfaction in work comes from giving that human touch to my patients, making them comfortable, chatting with them a moment, or helping another nurse that is overwhelmed. If I am satisfied with my work, I don't care if I have to stay an hour late to chart.

Another thing that gets me fired up is when I see something that should be done better. Example: A person, particularly elderly, can develop a stage 2 pressure ulcer in just one shift if he/she is not kept clean and turned. I've seen this happen more than once. Sometimes it is so hard to provide proper care, but seeing this makes me want to teach and improve care. I've seen hospice patients go from being all hagard to looking so comfortable and peaceful after my friend, Rosetta, gave a bed bath and positioned them comfortably. Some day, after I get more experience, maybe I'll end up back in geriatrics or hospice...

Now I'm beginning to yawn. Maybe that means it's time to go to bed.

My Day

Upset patient: "I want to talk to my nurse!"
Me: "I AM your nurse." (and have been for the last three days...)
Patient: "You don't look old enough to be my nurse. How old are you?"

Leaving patient's room to get clippers to trim his toe nails:
Patient: "You don't have to take off your gloves!"
Me: "I do need to. I just put bacitracin on your wound and have ointment on my gloves."

Patient: "I want to die."
Me: "Are you serious that you want to die?"
Patient: "No, it's just a figure of speech."

I'm getting gloves on.
Patient, in sudden outburst: "Hurry up!"
Me: "Are you okay?"

Patient: "Don't do that! Don't do that! Don't do that!"

Patient: "Just let me die!"

Patient: "Put me out in the corridor."
Me: "I can't do that. Would you like to walk down and sit in the waiting room?"
Patient: "Not in my condition."

Patient: "Go get my husband. I want to call my doctor."

Patient: "I'm leaving."
Me: "Please do!" (I didn't actually say that.)

Me to another nurse: "I'm so glad I don't have to come back tomorrow!"
Nurse: "I've never heard you say that."

Me, walking out to my car an hour late: "It's been a good day. What made it a good day? I was a good nurse:)"

Well, maybe my responses were less than therapeutic, and the three patients quoted above were less than happy (depressed, spoiled princess, and belligerent, by name), but they got cleaned up, didn't develop any new bed sores, and got along as well with me as anyone else. My fourth patient was a doll, but had to drink Go-Lytely all day:)

My Sisters

This evening I talked to my lovely sisters. Anna, Angela, and I have had so such wonderful times together! I'm looking forward to many more!

The BIG 21!

March 21st isn't simply the first day of spring. It's Daniel's 21st birthday! He's in Bolivia right now, and I'm sure he could use some well wishes: http://god-is-my-judge.blogspot.com/. Happy birthday, brother Daniel!

Thank you all for the discussion over that last question. There were some very thoughtful comments that kept me thinking. Sometimes I hate to post again after something like that, because I don't want to close the topic. If more ideas come to you, feel free to keep it alive!

Question

What is a characteristic in others that you admire?

Carrie and Anna at home on the Texas ranch.

Wilderness

It has always been in places of barrenness and isolation, where the heart of man begins to perceive that which, in the midst of his fast-paced life, he never could. Removed from the subtle pleasantries and distractions of his workaday world, his needs become simplified and yet more urgent; his ears become more sensitive and able to hear those gentle songs of heaven beginning to resonate in his soul. He looks out on the vast but beautiful night sky filled with thousands of brilliant stars, and he is reminded of a Creator who has set the seasons and times and boundaries above for all to marvel over. He listens as the whipping wind beats against his ears. And in the all-consuming quiet, he is confronted with his own emptiness, his own spiritual poverty. He is forced to confront those inner recesses of the soul that craved the bread of heaven and the water of life, but until now have only known of the emptiness of a fast-food, image-driven world.

Indeed, whenever God has desired to bring His people into a deeper understanding of Himself, it has more often than not, been the wilderness, the desert, the barren places of the world, where He has chosen to do so.

~Lt. Carey H. Cash in A Table in the Presence --excellent book, by the way!

I just breathed the breath of spring! It's 45 degrees and the sun is shining. I was in short sleeves and sweating on my walk. It really felt like 65. The snow has been melting a lot for the last several days, and the river is swollen with the extra run off.

Feel free to keep commenting on the camping post. There's another question coming up soon, but I want to make sure people are finished with the last:)

Story Time

Tell about a time when you slept outdoors. I want to hear about the fond, the fun, the scary... I know most of you have stories, so don't be shy; share them!In reply to some comments, of course I have a story I wish to share! I just didn't have time when I posted the question. The most awesome outdoor camping experience I had was on a several day wilderness canoe trip on the Green River in Utah. There were only two other canoes within a mile or two of us for the whole 5 days.

Except for the first night, we slept without tents looking up at the stars from our dew covered sleeping bags. At times we relaxed in the canoes and just cruised. Towards the end of the journey, Daniel discovered a naturally warmed waterfall where the water ran over the rocks long enough to take the chill out of it. We emerged from our wilderness days surprisingly fresh and clean after our showers! Before that last campout, we fought again strong winds searching for a good place for the night. Once out of the rough waters near this cliff dwelling, the scene above is what met our eyes. The peace of that scene, of the calm after a struggle in a storm, is engrained so firmly on my mind. If I need to retreat into a peaceful place, I pull up that memory and the photo.

Adding to that moment, I think about our walk into a box canyon near our campsite. Bats swooping by at dusk, evening light resting on red canyon walls, and the awe welling up in my heart is completly indescribable.

But I was going to tell about sleeping outdoors. I wasn't able to stay awake long listening to the night chirps and gazing at the stars. Burrowed deep in a sleeping bag tied close around my head, I slept soundly, waking to a new morning, the last morning in the wilderness. After breaking up camp, we paddled down past where the Green River joins the Colorado, but we stopped at the large signs warning of dangerous rapids ahead to catch a boat ride with the other two canoes that I mentioned earlier.Someone asked, "Who camped out by the cliff dwelling?" "Uh, we did." "We stopped by there later this morning, and there were couger tracks all over you camp site."

Spring?

Coming home from work a bit ago, I decided it must be around 4 degrees. Close. 6 degrees, feels like -3. I thought spring was coming!

More Snow

I know most of my photos over the last while include snow. There's a simple reason for that: we keep getting snow. In fact, I am told that Rochester has not had this much snow in 10 years. Here are the statistics for the last 8 days:

23rd 1.6”
24th 3.4”
25th 7.6”
26th 0.4
27th 0
28th 0.5”
1st 7.2”
2nd 5.1”

Total: 25.8"
Current depth 20”
54.4” this season

Rochester is ticketing people parked on the streets from midnight to 6am last night and tonight in order to keep people off long enough to keep the streets plowed. Mayo has been paying nurses who commute to stay here in hotels churches and schools cancelled events during the storms.It feels like the winter is almost over, because the weather has been in the 20's and 30's and birds are beginning to sing. I was hoping we would get some nice snows before spring came, and I got my wish! I'm trying to enjoy it as much as possible before it's gone. I've been going on walks, eating snow ice cream, even shoveling the sidewalks for fun. The only sad thing is that I would rather enjoy this snow with all of you!

Adventure

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature... Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." ~Helen Keller

Wet Shoes

Some of the best times of my life have been when my shoes, socks, and feet are squishy wet. On Friday, we had a thunderstorm with snow pellets. Saturday brought freezing rain. Last night and today it snowed several inches, so I enjoyed a long walk after work. As I tramped along in my tennis shoes, feet wet, soaking in the tranquility, I remembered other wet feet times, then I slipped and slid all around and almost fell down. Some of my best walks and runs have been in the fog or dew-soaked grass, after a rain, or in the snow. There's just something about water in all of its forms that brings life.

"The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing...to find the place where all the beauty came from." ~C.S. Lewis

*Blizzard*

We are under a blizzard warning. Churches are canceled for tomorrow. Reckon I'll be driving to work in the morning...

For those of you interested in foreign cultures, you should read Angie's blog. The link is under my friends on the right. Angie was my roommate for two years and suitemate for an additional year at college, so she's put up with a lot:)

Random

It reached a whopping 40 plus degrees today! The snow is melting away, and it is forcast to snow for about a week beginning Friday***

Today I picked out a nursing student to work with this summer for a 10 week internship like the one I did a couple of years ago. I am so excited about that!!!

"I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; I will not refuse to do the something I can do." ~Helen Keller

L'Abri

All day Friday and Saturday I was at the annual L'Abri conference here in Rochester. For those of you unfamiliar with L'Abri, below is a description of it from their website: http://www.labri.org/.

The French term L’Abri is translated "the shelter" in English. It is difficult to force L’Abri into a rigid category or come up with a precise description. It could be said to be an international study center and a residential community, while also being much more. In 1955, Francis and Edith Schaeffer, the founders of the work opened their chalet/home to those who were seeking answers to life’s many questions and L’Abri began.

Celebrating its fiftieth year in 2005, Swiss L’Abri is now made up of 7 chalets, and a staff of single people and families. L’Abri continues to provide the possibility for people to come to a place where they can be part of an extended family, receive honest answers to honest questions, and cultivate or pursue the truth of Christianity.

We emphasize a biblical Christ centered focus; hospitality; cultural awareness, analysis and where necessary critique; growing in community with God and one another, through the power of the Spirit. Other important concerns, to mention a few, are apologetics, true spirituality, where Christ is understood as Lord of all life, and a Christian worldview. As the pressures of extreme forms of postmodernism and new expressions of pantheism and pragmatism rise and gain a foothold in culture, Christians continue to need to know how to navigate through the high degree of confusion to clearer thinking and living for the sake of Christ. L’Abri is dedicated to helping provide this, firmly believing that questions and problems about God and life can be discussed rationally and answers sought, without resorting to having to take a leap in the dark.

Be warned that I may be posting about it and the things I am reading that are related for the next who knows how long! I just haven't processed enough to even begin tonight. I am truly overwhelmed.

Peace

Sitting in a room with a patient for a whole shift can be easy, challenging, or just plain interesting. Yesterday was easy and interesting. The suicide attempt patient and I discussed (he wrote and I talked) nearly everything under the sun, from John Nash and "A Beautiful Mind" to energy consumption and alternative fuels, faith, AA (alcoholics anonymous), animals, sunrises, trees, death of loved ones, psych hospital experiences, and peace. Peace. It seems to be an obsession for some people with psychological conditions. I got to thinking about peaceful places and feelings.

Peace

Standing in a snow covered wood.

Listening to crickets through my window on a summer night.

The calm after a storm.

The indescribable freshness after a summer rain shower.

A sunset accompanied by the hum of mourning doves.

The feeling and thoughts each of these evokes.

The presence of the Creator in my heart.

Peace.

ICE

Daniel is here visiting me! He got the detailed tour of Mayo and downtown Rochester in zero degree weather.

We looked at the ice sculptures, sat on ice benches, and tried without success to look warm and comfy for the pictures.

The huge chapel at St. Mary's hospital, which I somehow never went to see until yesterday.

Chilhuly glass art, some of the many works of art scattered through the Mayo downtown campus.

This ambulance looks like an adventure...

...or maybe not. It is comforting to know that there was a straw mattress on the cot to soften the jolting ride.